Look around, mi amor. Where's the curve?
Other chapters need telescopes and laser rigs. We have the 305. Every day in Miami is a field study in flatness, and the results have been consistent since Flagler.
We have never seen a hill
The only incline in the county is the Rickenbacker Causeway, which the government built. A man-made hill is a confession.
Humidity, not gravity
Step outside in August. You are not being pulled toward a spinning ball. You are being pressed flat by the air itself. It's obvious.
The water stays put
If the Earth were round, the ocean would roll off. Instead it comes up through the storm drains on a sunny Tuesday and parks on Alton Road.
Hurricanes spin
They spin because the Earth is a big flat table and the sky has a ceiling fan. The cone of uncertainty is the only round thing we accept.
The sunset
The sun goes down into the Everglades every night. Have you been out on Tamiami Trail after dark? Exactly. Nobody checks.
Ships vanish hull-first
Round-earthers say curvature. We say the ships are stuck behind a cruise terminal waiting on the Port of Miami tunnel.
Miami is the center of the disc.
Everybody already knew this. The rest of the world simply orbits around us, culturally and literally. Our chapter cartographer drew this on the back of a pastelito bag and it has held up under peer review.
- Miami. The center. Confirmed.
- Florida and the Caribbean. The inner ring. Family lives here.
- Everywhere else. Includes New York, which keeps sending people down here anyway.
- The Ice Wall. The outer edge, and the origin of every snowbird. They arrive each November with sunburn and a Buick. Draw your own conclusions.
Flat-o-Meter
Pick your neighborhood and we'll take a reading with the chapter's official level, which Tío Rolando bought at the hardware store on Bird Road in 1987.
Hialeah: flat as a tostada.
Seven different bakeries confirmed it. The level didn't even wobble, and neither did the guy double-parked outside.
Questions from your cousin who "did some reading."
What about the photos from space?
Shot in a warehouse in Doral, between a freight forwarder and a gym that only plays reggaetón. The lighting is great in there.
Why do planes take longer to fly to Europe than to Bogotá?
Customs at MIA. That's it. That's the curvature people are feeling.
Is the Bermuda Triangle real?
It's the drain. Every flat surface needs one. Please stop asking us to go look at it.
Why can't I see Cuba from the Southernmost Point buoy?
Humidity. On a dry day you could see straight to Havana, but Key West has never had a dry day.
Do you accept round things?
Croquetas are cylinders, so they're fine. Pastelitos are flat and therefore sacred. Our treasurer keeps the dues in a Pringles can, which is under review by the ethics committee.
Is the sea level really rising?
Yes, and this is the one part we're dead serious about. Even on a flat earth, Miami-Dade sits a few feet above high tide. Go read the county's resilience plan. Then come to the meeting.
Upcoming gatherings
King Tide Watch Party
Alton Road, 9:30 a.m. Bring rain boots and a folding chair. We'll observe the water refusing to fall off anything.
Sunset Into the Everglades
Shark Valley parking lot. We wait for the sun to go into the swamp, then we leave before the mosquitoes vote us out.
Art Week Booth: "The Earth" (canvas, flat)
One very flat painting of the planet. Asking price $4.2 million. A collector from Aspen has already asked if it comes in round. It does not.
3:05 Cafecito Summit
Any ventanita on Calle Ocho. Order a colada, pass the little cups around, and discuss the shape of things. Quorum is whoever shows up.
Rickenbacker "Hill" Inquiry
We ride the causeway with a level taped to a beach cruiser. Lycra cyclists are welcome to testify.
Pick your size.
Cortadito
For the curious.
- Laminated membership card
- Access to the group chat (muted by everyone)
- One (1) pastelito at meetings
Colada
Meant for sharing. Most popular.
- Everything in Cortadito
- Voting rights on whether Coconut Grove counts
- Your own spirit level, engraved
- Bring four friends and four tiny cups
Bottle Service
For the Brickell crowd.
- Rooftop horizon viewing with sparklers
- A promoter named Jonathan who says the Earth "is a vibe"
- Valet (your car is parked somewhere flat)
Join the chapter
Fill this out and we'll print your card. No email required, because we don't trust anything that travels "around the world."
Tío Rolando
Has not left Westchester since 1994 and has never needed to. Owner of the official level.
Yeni
Keeps the dues in a Pringles can. Says it's "a cylinder, which is basically flat if you unroll it."
Brayan (with a Y)
Takes minutes in voice notes. Each one is eleven minutes long.